I can’t believe I had to say those things up front just so you could take back what you said about me. Twist your excuses braaah, still not working. Im in no position to get mad or anything, and its not like I can stay mad at youuuu.
I hope(d) we could go back to the way things were, and so did you. But I don’t think it’s ever gonna be the same. Not for me, although there shouldn’t be any misunderstandings cause both of us cleared things up way back.
Date: November 2, 2010
“I’m kinda liking him the past few days you know, for all the right reason. He’s beyond amazing, he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s cute and to top it off, we get along so well. He’s such a good influence to me, like I actually do my homeworks cause at the end of the day he’d text me If I got notes on this class and of course I don’t wanna seem irresponsible. I have so much respect for him that I watch what I say, cause there was a time that he told me… “Claud, medyo foul na yan ha” And I wasn’t even talking about him. I don’t even cut class most esp the classes I have with him which is 5 out of 8. We hang out on all breaks and if my next class isn’t with him, we’d still go up together. And sometimes when I say I’ll follow, he’d still wait for me. That would not make me want to cut. There was a time in our morning class where he hugged me good morning, I moved away cause I told him I didn’t shower… cause I didn’t go home. He was like, “Nag 18 ka lang you’re not gonna go home na” He’s been there all along and I took things lightly, I didn’t think. As much as I don’t wanna regret it, I just wish it didn’t happen. “
I just miss this friend, a lot. And I forgot how close we are, I know we are but I was too mad it’s like I programmed myself to forget things and now I can’t even remember how it felt like. But yeah, now I slightly remember these after reading my post (above). There was one time I was sitting at the couch with my other friend, he’d squeeze himself to make the three of us fit. I remember not wanting to admit to myself or to anyone how jealous I became when he got close to my other girl friend. We were in one hotel room, I wasn’t jealous because of the girl, I was jealous because of how he acted around her in front of me. I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t use to seeing him making kulit to anyone else but me. He’s like my very first good friend in CSB. I know its been more than a year but I never really got over it.
It was the 3 of us, him and my other guy friend whom I equally miss as well :( We all had the same classes and breaks so they were the ones I was always with. How I miss my very first term in CSB!
It’s so normal for me to easily like someone but then lose it all at once afterwards. But first of all, there’s this guy. And I really think, well a lot of people think he’s a great guy. Amazing. I’ve only known him for a month or so, and I hate how I scrutinize his facebook. I hate how I review the same photos that were tagged or reading over the same wall posts. Hmm most esp how I always automatically type his name on the search tab, or that I type his name on the online lists and click on it just to see if he’s online and *gulp a false hope that he strikes a conversation. Creepy as I sound but I found pictures of him when he was really young, lmao what a cutie. But yeah, I mostly hate the fact that I don’t see him all the time as much I as I wish I can. He’s one of the people I really like having around not because I grew likes of him. Normally I wouldn’t care if something stands between my way, but for the first time, I don’t wanna mess this growing friendship. Maybe If I have that kinda balls to actually do something about it, we can be something. I know we’d have fun, he’s funny and interesting. I can be lame at times but ya know, it’s gonna work out.
What is it with you and being a total cheater? I met you when you were still with your last girlfriend, and then I left and when I came back, you’re with another girl and yet you’re still sticking around? Dude, get real.
Its not cool when you do it every fucking single time. Would it kill you to talk to me properly for not even less than 5mins? Or let alone a question. I don’t know, I guess I’m sick of playing these games with you. Honestly, I don’t even approach you or anything anymore, cause every time you’re just, the way you are to me. I smile, I laugh, you always always have something to say. I’m not looking at you, I’m not minding your presence, you still have something to say. I know that you say sorry after, or say like you’re just kidding but honestly, I’m getting sick of it. I don’t know what is it about today that made me say these. Other than the fact that its 4am, (lol) But yeah.
We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk, that means he likes you. —Only for the gullibles.
Earlier they were teasing me about that kiss, it wasn’t even close to that because he’s very persistent. Saying its a “dare”. He’s been telling me not to be kissing around guys so that’s what I’m doing. And like all the other friends we have, thinking I’m dancing in my head, more like flailing. Honestly? I wasn’t, he just adds every bit of confusion. —That, on the contrary, I never really did bother in the first place. And now, he’s eating away all my thoughts.
I doubt almost everything and things just flow, but I can’t really feel like I am all there.
I was up till 5am earlier today watching awkward, and the line that struck me;
Jenna: “So you can sleep with me in private but you can’t even talk to me in public? Figure out what you want Matty because I’m tired of being your secret.”
To the guy who’ll remain unnamed,
First off, I am not a relationship type of girl either, so don’t get me wrong. I like how we are; fun, casual, no emotional attachments, no exclusivity talks and it’s not like we’re a total secret to the people around us. Surprisingly, we didn’t even have to go through that awkward stage since we just knew each other for like what, two weeks tops? But that episode of awkward got myself thinking, If this isn’t going anywhere, then why prolong this kind of relationship? I like having you around, to keep you “that guy” on the side. But I also don’t want you to think of me as a slore.
I want to be able to talk to you and open myself up like an open book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that’s steeping in my head.
You had ended a rough relationship and you are yet available again. I didn’t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused and sometimes needy mind and your undeniably vulnerable state. You told me a number of times how you don’t want to be in a relationship, neither do I. I can not imagine myself being with someone exclusively either. All I wanted was this to be mutual and that we could stop treating each other like we’re fighting all the time. I tried to be the ears of your illogical words and be a friend to you. I’m the kind of girl who fall for guys she can’t have. And that sortof includes you, I can not have you entirely. And since I can’t have your full attention, I try seeing other people. And all along as I hang out with you, I listen to you talk about other girls, I listen to you ask them out or make a deal with them through beerpongs. That kind of reminds me how we started off as friends. All this time I would muster up and mask these feelings as I tell you what you only wanted to hear. I tried to trick myself into thinking that I’m only challenged by you and this is all just a game to me. I tell myself that it wouldn’t be worth it to jeopardize a (getting there) to be good friends with you. Trying to ignore all the little things that makes me like you, although I am not certain what exactly.
But truthfully speaking though, I do miss you. Like, I miss you saying the things you said before. Like I said, It sucks when the person you like stop liking you.
I’ve been so many different girls. I’ve been the girl the guy doesn’t care about, who meet her at a bar for a date and it ends in a make out in his car- meaningless and nothing. I’ve been the unattainable girl, the rebound, the girl with a puppy-dog crush, the crazy girl, the desperate girl, the dork, and the heartbreaker. I’ve been a bitch, and a sweetheart, and considered goth or mod or hipster. I’ve been the weird girl, the fancy girl, the fashiony city girl, the naïve girl. All depending on whose eyes are looking at me; Whose eyes I’m being seen through. I’ve been the starfucker, the band fucker, the girl who only dates rock stars or drummers, the girl who only wants to date rich guys or at least a guy who owns a car, the girl who doesn’t care what a guy looks like, the girl who settles, the girl who isn’t picky enough, the girl who’s too picky, the girl who only likes funny guys, the girl who only likes young guys. I’ve been the girl whose a prude- not sexually, never sexually… but alcohol and drug- wise. I’ve been the flirt, the tease, the confusing girl who leads guys on. I’ve been the mean girl, the cold girl, the girl with daddy issues, the elusive butterfly. all the while, the only variable being the man who was looking at me. and the only constant being me. so I guess when I find the right guy, whatever that means, I’ll know because I’ll be the truest, happiest, best, most balanced version of myself. I’ll be the person I am when I’m all alone, or with friends… only more loved, and, um, not alone… and maybe even contradict myself a little less.
